OK so here's the thing: I'm
scared. I'm scared that despite my best efforts and despite all good
intentions, I am going to fail completely to get my weight under 80kg. I
have basically been this weight (and above) since I was 13 years old
and the only time I ever dropped below it was when I had anxiety issues
in fifth form that meant that I hardly ate anything for a couple of
months. I think the lowest I got to was about 75kg, but it all happened
so quickly and so unhealthily that as soon as I started eating again it
all piled back on. So in my head, I'm convinced that without something
seriously dramatic and possibly life-threatening, I won't be able to get
under the magic threshold. And if I do, I certainly won't be able to
maintain it.
This,
of course, is ridiculous. It's illogical, not founded on any sort of
facts or nutritional science and will, in about 4-5 weeks, be PROVEN
wrong. But it looms large, this fear of mine, and so it is far better to
out this lurking demon, to bring it kicking and screaming into the
plain light of day for all to point and laugh at, than to let it fester
and grow in the dark recesses of my brain. Even though I won't quite be
rid of it until such time that I have not only gone below 80kg but
smashed through that barrier and stayed that way - it's still good to
get it out there.
But
then there are days, much like today, when this fear gets the better of
you. I stepped on the scale this morning at the meeting and... nothing.
I'd not lost a single gram. Nada. Zip. Sweet diddly do. And of course,
the first thing that runs through my head is "Oh, well. That's it. I'm
obviously at the end of it and cannot lose any more weight," which I'm
well aware makes zero sense but if you give these negative thoughts a
mental inch and they will occupy your entire life. There's nothing for
it but to just keep on trucking and see what happens next week. I have a
theory that since it's a specific time of the month that this might be
due to water retention (ah, the joys of the feminine body!) but this
remains to be seen. Until such time that there is further proof, Logical
Kath will battle it out with Fearful Kath in the back of my mind. Roll
on next Wednesday.
Starting weight (30/01/2013): 86.2kg
First week weigh in (05/02/13): 85.3kg (-0.9kg)
Second week weigh in (13/02/13): 84.4kg (-0.9kg)
Third week weigh in (19/02/13): 83.6kg (-0.8kg)
Fourth week weigh in (27/02/13): 83.6kg (no loss)
I totally understand what you mean
ReplyDeleteYour keeping a good steady weight loss though, almost a kg each week
hope my at home goal is just as good, same starting weight & goal as you - we can do it xx